Alot of Thought

Until now I hadnt been able to talk about Burlycon 2011.
So much information to be absorbed and processed. I am now at a point where I can digest each item individually.

I took some wonderful classes, learned so much and was inspired. I realized what I needed to teach my ribbon work more effectively. At the Burlesque parenting panel I realized there are aspects to this I hadnt considered, and afterwards I was so homesick I had to come home for the night.

It was an amazing experience, non stop discussion. Classes on so many amazing topics, I didnt take half the classes i wanted to and yet I still feel overloaded with information.

Having a chance to come together with many from the community made me realize just where I was and what I needed to do to progress.

Watching the peer reviews was wonderful, I am trying to take the comments I had for the performers and apply them to my own acts. Learning in the round.

Coming home was wonderful though, I am no longer able to just go and be immersed and forget my outside life. My son was pretty much constantly on my mind. He is such a part of me that leaving him behind feels like leaving a limb behind. Regardless stepping away is important for me to recharge.

BurlyCon 2011

ITS HERE!!! Its the event I await every year as fervently as I used to await my birthday or christmas.

One entire weekend away from boyfriend, baby and house...Yes I will miss my darlings but I am really looking forward to learning, laughing and teaching surrounded by so much talent and experience.

This morning Paul laughed and said that BurlyCon was my hogworts...and I drooled over the idea.

Tassels, yoga pants, rhinestones, and living legends.

The folks who work countless hours to create this event are fabulous.

Last year was the only year I had missed and I have to say I was devastated. Huge, tired of being pregnant and extremely sad I spent most of the weekend crying. Over dramatic? No, not really.

This year as Paul promised I get to go, be in the hotel and steep in the gloriousness that will ensue.

I am teaching a victorian ribbon work class on friday, part of a panel about...Being a burlesque parent on sat. I am thrilled and cannot think of a better way to celebrate!

BurlyCon is a convention by burlesque performers, for burlesque performers.
To check it out:

www.burlycon.org

The most amazing realization

I havent been able to write in awhile, I get inspiration and I open this page...and the doubt comes in. Is this relevant, should I bother writing it. Its a horrible feeling.

My son is turning one in less than a month. Everyday its been hitting me in new ways,from seeing him sitting up and playing by himself...looking more and more like a little boy instead of a baby.

How did this happen for the first four months it was a slow gradual change...or at least I had convinced myself it was, looking back I realize it was like riding a light rail, too fast and smooth to realize.

I've had to put alot of things on the back burner. Which is normal with a 1st baby, or even a new baby. The time I do spend away I want to count for something. I am focusing more on becoming a better performer, pushing myself in costumes, performing, producing.

When I slow down and just look at my son, I've been getting hit with how much I love him. I feel like I need to write a post just about the things I never understood until becoming a parent.

I look at my son and I know he is my number 1. I love him in ways I never expected...even when my entire day is derailed or the dress I WAS going to wear out to see a show gets spit up on.

*As a side note my son now ONLY spits up when I am dressed and ready to go and watch someone elses show.

Its an overwhelming realization. This love that hits you like wind rushing off a canyon floor...it is romantic, like Victorian valentines day cards, or your first true returned love. Yet its steeped with the responsibility of being a parent. Its the strangest feeling to be soo grounded while so at times giddy.

My mom tried to talk to me about this when I was a kid, I remember never understanding. I never felt so mortal until I had Finni. I never wanted to achieve as much as I do now. In my life everything I do I do for my son. It isnt so one day he can feel pride for having me as a mom. I can't really explain it, but just having him in my life makes me want to reach higher, perform better, and be able to be truly proud of my accomplishments.

Am I Two Different People?

I dance burlesque, I model fine art nudes (as well as corsetry nudes) I make art, and I am a mommy.

From some of the other mommies I know seem surprised I still dance, that I have no plans on making a career for myself that doesnt involve rhinestones and semi nudity. From some of the Burlesque dancers I know they seem surprised that I would want to have a child as if I couldn't have both a baby and a collection of feather boas (this has been less common with other dancers than with other mommies).

I am not two different people, I can be a mother and shimmy onstage without issue. I can stand there in full make-up and coated in glitter and rhinestones while talking about my child and I dont feel strange about it.

After the birth of my son I feel more inspired to enrich my performance skills. More inspired to learn and grow as a performer, and trust me I have a lot of learning and growing to do. But then I want feather boas, stage make-up, and performing to be normal for him. I dont want him to grow up thinking costumes or make-up are strange.

DO I segment parts away from my child? Well yeah, the more sexual overtones are avoided, though he has been present at a couple of performances (that werent in bars) and I see nothing wrong with that, a look over the shoulder and a gown that shimmers as it hits the floor arent going to scar him for life. Anything more sexual than that will be kept for adults as it should be, children should be allowed to be children without the pressure to understand things they arent ready for. This doesnt mean that my life is put on hold until then though. Just as we multitask in daily life I do so with who I am. I am a mother, I do dance, I can do both.

We are All Habiba

"We are all Habiba" Graphic Courtesy of Louma Sader Bujana

Today as I was scanning my facebook page I saw a link to a blog :http://teslagirl360.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-if-you-were-this-mother.html?showComment=1307596606742#c7321482027146974105

that I like to normally follow, this time it was titled "If you were this mother".

What I read both shocked me and broke my heart. Below is the press release.

Four days ago, the Madrid Institute for Minors and Families (IMMF), decided to separate a little girl from her mother for not complying with the objectives of a psychotherapy program and "maternal abilities" that imply to abandon extended breastfeeding and breastfeeding on demand because it is considered "chaotic" and "harmful for every boy and girl". With these considerations all lacking scientific or legal facts, they force mothers to take medication to cease milk production.

According to the Spanish Association of Pediatricians, breastfeeding should be on demand and it can be extended as long as both child an mother wish. No legal action has been taken to separate mother and child, and the mother has not been allowed to say goodbye nor has she been told where her daughter will be taken causing a grave defenselessness on both. Habiba is engorged and on the brink of mastitis and with a broken heart with pain, with barely any sleep or bite to eat. This woman has been evaluated by a psychiatrist and she does not show any signs of mental illness, drug consumption or anything that would justify making her victim of such aggression.

They threw Habiba on the streets the same moment they took her daughter telling her she had no more
room there because the resources they offer are for mothers and children and she did not have a child anymore. A humanitarian foundation has decided to help this mother donating legal support as well as shelter . We are deeply concerned by Habiba's pain and it pains us to imagine the circumstances this 15 month old child might be in, separated from her mother in an abrupt fashion most likely with no one explaining anything to her.

.We consider Habiba and her child's case as a serious violation of human rights as well as children's rights. The damage is already done but if mother and child are reunited immediately it can be repaired because of this we urge you to write to write and protest to IMMF management, asking for the immediate return of the child to her mother

As I sit at the computer I am nursing my son who is almost eight months old. He snuggles on my lap and nurses..he is a snacker, he falls asleep each night eating, he looks to me for comfort and love as well as nourishment.

I found and joined the facebook page "Worldwide Mothers Support Habiba!"

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Worldwide-Mothers-support-Habiba-IMMF-Give-her-baby-back/125104760904059

I signed the petition

http://actuable.es/peticiones/dile-al-instituto-madrileno-del-menor-y-familia-reuna-a

To sign the petition, find the form at the top right of the page (in the blue frame) and fill:
Tu nombre: name
Tu apellido: last name
Tu correo-e: email
Cód. Postal: zip code

I've shared this everywhere I could.

What if this was you? Your baby? Habiba and I are different in many ways, but we are both mothers. Raise the bar, tell your friends, share on facebook, talk about this, write letters, sign the petition. We have to let the world know that parents everywhere want the IMMF to return her daughter NOW.

Creatively Your Mama....

Today really brightened my recent dark mood.

I've been struggling with not feeling inspired and today was a jumpstart for my dead battery.

I havent felt like I could create, new acts/art/costuming/baby toys. Hell even cooking has been a un-enjoyable process. Until today.

Finni and I went to our first baby storytime at the central library downtown seattle. We sang and bounced and listened to stories. Finni played hard to get with an adorable 10 month old. 30 other babies, their parents all smiling, playing with each other. The amount of joy in that room was intoxicating.

I looked around the children's section afterwards, and got hit in the face with a major blast of inspiration. They have tree branches made of textiles hanging (to high for hands to touch) with flowers and animals also made out of different textiles. I looked at them and realized that I could in fact make them, just as lovely as they were or better.

Going outside the weather was warm the sun shining with a soft cool breeze. There was NO WAY we were going home to sit at the computer and feel impotent. (Nope I meant impotent not important.) So off to cap hill and Blick art store.

I bought a tiny drawing pad and we went and sat in Cal anderson park on the astro turf of the play field. Finni laid on my sweater coat playing with the brown paper bag my art supplies came in. I drew out ideas of branches to make for his play room. People all around us were smiling at finni.

As we walked to the bus stop I pointed out flowers, letting him smell them and talking to him about color, as my head started coming up with designs on how to make them with ribbon or other textiles. Dresses in windows were taken apart in my mind as I realized I knew who to do all the beading and embellishment work.

I am very excited to say that inspiration is running again. This applies to every aspect of my life, be it taking off my glittery clothes, or becoming the parent I've always dreamed of being.

What I am learning is that my biggest joys in life are not exclusive.

Surviving Separation Anxiety

So to be clear I adore my son, love him. I'll be sobbing sad when he no longer wants to cuddle with me. BUT that being said, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Finnegan has entered his Separation anxiety phase and its driving me batty.

I cant put him down anywhere, ever. He cries if daddy holds him, he cries if he is on his boppy and can still see me. I cant cook, visit the restroom, take a bath, CLEAN, costume, work on choreography. Nothing.

I am hoping he is exiting the phase early. Today I put him down three times and each time he has given me 5-10 minutes of arms/torso free time. I have had a cup of tea and texted friends. I plan on cleaning the living room and hopefully getting some art in later.

The last few days have been hard. I want to clean, paint, sew, paint, clean, make jewelry, CLEAN, and I cant with him in my arms. He has been full of energy, but wont play with his toys unless he is in my lap. He is TOO full of energy to be in my lap but keeps trying anyways.

I am hoping this is passing, hoping that I can avoid having him cry it out to get anything done. I've been told to just let him sit where he can see me and cry while I get work done. Told that this will teach him how NOT to manipulate me.........that is unconscious but if I dont he'll be a terror.

I've been afraid to ask other mamas. I want to avoid cry it out, but also need torso and arm time. I'd like to go to the bathroom without my son squirming in my arms or crying from another room. I'd like his papa to be able to hold him without him looking over at me sobbing holding his arms up. I'd like just a few moments free.

Taking a step back from frustration has been a daily chore. Sometimes its all I can do.

You see I love my son, I love cuddling with him. I love waking up next to him as he is talking and giggling every morning. I adore watching him feed himself into a coma in my arms. Or discover new things. He giggles and talks and gives me this look like we are sharing a private joke just between the two of us. He has an expression that seems to say "I'm so happy I could explode". I cherish all of these things. BUT I also need a break.

Burlesque has been my escape. Its my one time to get out of the house and pretty up and NOT deal with a baby for a few hours. I stage manage the pink door, produce my own monthly show AND perform around Seattle as I can. I allow myself one drink while out, I wear as many flowers as I can cram into my hair and I relish how pin-up my body looks while I'm dressed up. Even still I text Paul near constantly looking for updates and I find myself missing anf talking about my son everytime!

How Marvelous You Are.

Today sucked, this week has sucked, and though its a new month this month has sucked.

Last month wasnt any better.

Problems with money, worry and stress. Fights with Paul, sadness, gray days that bled into gray nights that either dragged or ended too quickly.

The one major thing that has helped me hold everything together is my son. His giggle, his smiles, even his whiny moments has brought me out of my darkest moments.

All at once he makes my life harder and so very much easier. He brings me joy, absolute infinite joy that I had never expected.

Finnegan makes people smile wherever we go. People from all walks of life seem completely excited to see him and go out of their way to talk to me about him.

Today I cried, I yelled, I lost my cool, and I fell apart. The only time I smiled was with my son. His giggles and smiles brought the sun out of the clouds and his cries reminded me to be present in the moment.

Its honestly really amazing just how much he has changed me, and change is good.

Goals and plans

I had planned to not worry about art this year. To not push myself to create a product and try to sell anything.

That lasted about three months.

Bored, frustrated, and feeling like I am not contributing enough I've decided to once again venture out into my creativity and try create a viable venue for it.

I am hoping to build stock and sell my art at festivals in Oct and later. Steamcon, mourning market, burlycon. All in oct this year!!

I just received cuff link bases so I can include more accessories for guys in my product, which is very exciting! I have enough for 20 pairs of cuff links, the possibilities are swirling in my mind.

On top of cufflinks I have jewelry to make and hair pieces to construct.

In the mail I have some lovely pendant bases I can put my artwork in. The concept of including my watercolors in with ribbon and metal jewelry has me giddy. I see my concepts as Victorian inspired alternative treasures.

A majority of my ribbon comes from midori ribbon. Working with higher quality ribbon is much more forgiving (not on the pocket book!!) and I find its actually easier to put down when I'm interrupted by Finni's needs. Having more forgiving material to work with while simlutaniously juggling a 6 month old wiggle boy is a bonus. Its a main reason I've held off from painting with acrylics recently.

If your in Seattle midori ribbon has a once a month sale room that makes my mouth water.

Velvet, silk duponi, satin, french wired ribbon...all discounted on the first friday of the month. Its a beautiful day.

Once I get enough Product I'll be posting online as well. Paul has agreed to help me manage this end of it, creating a website as well as maintaining an etsy presence.

To be able to create an income I can generate from my creativity, and not have to leave my son in daycare to do it is very important to me.

In my Son's eyes

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be in stage. Making up acts, kidnapping adults to be my audience, its always been a part of who I am. After the birth of my son I was nervous performing again. Coming to terms with my body image has been very difficult. Patience has never been my strong suit especially with myself. So trying to give myself recovery time has been a joke.

I am blessed to have had supportive people around me who have every step of the way encouraged me to continue performing. Facing these body changes have been as wonderful as they have been painful. Costumes stopped fitting...and I dont mean a few, all of my costumes stopped fitting. My body is no longer as limber, and I have far less time to devote to performing in general.

AND YET

I have never felt so inspired. Even in my darkest moments of body loathing I worked through it. I have felt more devoted to creating costumes, better about getting critic and in general more willing to try new ideas.

Since having my baby opportunities have opened up for me I had never had before. I feel like with the extra challenges I have had more desire to achieve my goals, and have seen the path to them much easier.

All of this is overshadowed by one amazing thing. When I dress up, put up my hair, wear jewelry, coat myself in glitter...in general try to emulate a dragqueen the best I can my almost six month old son gives me this look. He looks up at me and gets this delighted smile and his eyes sparkle, when he gives me this look my insides melt and I feel like I am on top of the world. My son, my tiny son thinks I'm beautiful.

Maybe this sounds strange, but it fills me with such a feeling elation to see this special look he reserves just for me, and just when I dress up.

Dancing burlesque is something I want to do for the rest of my life, its a part of me and in many ways always has been. This process of acceptance has really changed my outlook on myself and my community. I will never hide who I am from my son, and its wonderful to know that (at least right now) I am lovely.

Trips, Hips, and Pastie Slips

The last few months have been hectic, adjusting to having a more active baby and getting myself ready for more performances.

I recently auditioned for an awesome show.....I happen to have auditioning gremlins, everything that can go wrong typically does during an audition, no matter how many times I've done an act before. This leads to a flash of embarrassment, some tears over the phone to my sweetie and then YEARS of great stories. What I did get from my most recent audition was some fab critic which I took to heart, I also realized that spirit gum is not going to work on my nipples....I realized this after 3 nip slips during my act.

The act I used to audition with was the act I had been planning on taking to Jim thorpe Burlesque festival. I used the information provided and spent the next month preparing, and reworking my act and costume until I thought it would be more stage worthy. My son sitting in his exersaucer bouncing along his smile growing broader the more rhinestones I added to my costume.

As the realization that my trip to PA was looming closer and closer I knew I wasnt going to get enough BM pumped for him in time, so I turned to HM4HB on facebook a group that used to be called eats on feets. Through them I was able to get enough milk that my baby would be fed easily while I was away.

The week before I left I broke down crying nearly once a day at the idea of leaving, terror gripping me. I was certain something was going to go wrong. My sweetie would neglect the baby, or accidentally hurt him in some thoughtless way, someone would kidnap him, my plane would go down...trust me if it was a possible concept (or not) it went through my head. Throughout all of this my sweetie was patient and kind.

The airport drop off was hard. I told woggins (my sweetie) to not wait forever at the gate, and when he left I was devastated. I sat to put on my shoes and tried to calm down my raging emotions. A well meaning woman asked if this was my first trip away from my baby, and thats all it took for the flood gates to break as I sat there trying to put on my boots while not obviously crying all over the security area.

My trip to jim thorpe was amazing, its an adorable town, with a lovely opera house. The guest houses provided for the performers were awesome. I loved performing, and watching other performers from different areas of our country compete. I didnt like my hard torpedo breasts that decided suddenly they needed to feed an army of babies who werent there.

Coming home was an amazing experience. Meeting woggins at the gate with baby tucked into the ergo asleep.

Baby Fin wouldnt look at me for the entire trip home. I sat on the train crying next to a sleepy sweetie and baby who wouldnt make eye contact with me. I felt more alone than I had on the train.

My last couple of days have been about trying to rebuild my milk supply. After coming home my breasts decided that finni must have weaned himself. So I reached out to the breastfeeding community in tears terrified I had ruined my supply forever. Met with kindness and great advice I am now working everyday on rebuilding and cutting out the bottle.

Clad in rhinestones, leopard print and silk flowers I sign off with promises to write again soon with less randomness.