I havent been able to write in awhile, I get inspiration and I open this page...and the doubt comes in. Is this relevant, should I bother writing it. Its a horrible feeling.
How did this happen for the first four months it was a slow gradual change...or at least I had convinced myself it was, looking back I realize it was like riding a light rail, too fast and smooth to realize.
I've had to put alot of things on the back burner. Which is normal with a 1st baby, or even a new baby. The time I do spend away I want to count for something. I am focusing more on becoming a better performer, pushing myself in costumes, performing, producing.
When I slow down and just look at my son, I've been getting hit with how much I love him. I feel like I need to write a post just about the things I never understood until becoming a parent.
I look at my son and I know he is my number 1. I love him in ways I never expected...even when my entire day is derailed or the dress I WAS going to wear out to see a show gets spit up on.
*As a side note my son now ONLY spits up when I am dressed and ready to go and watch someone elses show.
Its an overwhelming realization. This love that hits you like wind rushing off a canyon floor...it is romantic, like Victorian valentines day cards, or your first true returned love. Yet its steeped with the responsibility of being a parent. Its the strangest feeling to be soo grounded while so at times giddy.
My mom tried to talk to me about this when I was a kid, I remember never understanding. I never felt so mortal until I had Finni. I never wanted to achieve as much as I do now. In my life everything I do I do for my son. It isnt so one day he can feel pride for having me as a mom. I can't really explain it, but just having him in my life makes me want to reach higher, perform better, and be able to be truly proud of my accomplishments.
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