In my Son's eyes

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be in stage. Making up acts, kidnapping adults to be my audience, its always been a part of who I am. After the birth of my son I was nervous performing again. Coming to terms with my body image has been very difficult. Patience has never been my strong suit especially with myself. So trying to give myself recovery time has been a joke.

I am blessed to have had supportive people around me who have every step of the way encouraged me to continue performing. Facing these body changes have been as wonderful as they have been painful. Costumes stopped fitting...and I dont mean a few, all of my costumes stopped fitting. My body is no longer as limber, and I have far less time to devote to performing in general.

AND YET

I have never felt so inspired. Even in my darkest moments of body loathing I worked through it. I have felt more devoted to creating costumes, better about getting critic and in general more willing to try new ideas.

Since having my baby opportunities have opened up for me I had never had before. I feel like with the extra challenges I have had more desire to achieve my goals, and have seen the path to them much easier.

All of this is overshadowed by one amazing thing. When I dress up, put up my hair, wear jewelry, coat myself in glitter...in general try to emulate a dragqueen the best I can my almost six month old son gives me this look. He looks up at me and gets this delighted smile and his eyes sparkle, when he gives me this look my insides melt and I feel like I am on top of the world. My son, my tiny son thinks I'm beautiful.

Maybe this sounds strange, but it fills me with such a feeling elation to see this special look he reserves just for me, and just when I dress up.

Dancing burlesque is something I want to do for the rest of my life, its a part of me and in many ways always has been. This process of acceptance has really changed my outlook on myself and my community. I will never hide who I am from my son, and its wonderful to know that (at least right now) I am lovely.