I recently auditioned for an awesome show.....I happen to have auditioning gremlins, everything that can go wrong typically does during an audition, no matter how many times I've done an act before. This leads to a flash of embarrassment, some tears over the phone to my sweetie and then YEARS of great stories. What I did get from my most recent audition was some fab critic which I took to heart, I also realized that spirit gum is not going to work on my nipples....I realized this after 3 nip slips during my act.
The act I used to audition with was the act I had been planning on taking to Jim thorpe Burlesque festival. I used the information provided and spent the next month preparing, and reworking my act and costume until I thought it would be more stage worthy. My son sitting in his exersaucer bouncing along his smile growing broader the more rhinestones I added to my costume.
As the realization that my trip to PA was looming closer and closer I knew I wasnt going to get enough BM pumped for him in time, so I turned to HM4HB on facebook a group that used to be called eats on feets. Through them I was able to get enough milk that my baby would be fed easily while I was away.
The week before I left I broke down crying nearly once a day at the idea of leaving, terror gripping me. I was certain something was going to go wrong. My sweetie would neglect the baby, or accidentally hurt him in some thoughtless way, someone would kidnap him, my plane would go down...trust me if it was a possible concept (or not) it went through my head. Throughout all of this my sweetie was patient and kind.
The airport drop off was hard. I told woggins (my sweetie) to not wait forever at the gate, and when he left I was devastated. I sat to put on my shoes and tried to calm down my raging emotions. A well meaning woman asked if this was my first trip away from my baby, and thats all it took for the flood gates to break as I sat there trying to put on my boots while not obviously crying all over the security area.
My trip to jim thorpe was amazing, its an adorable town, with a lovely opera house. The guest houses provided for the performers were awesome. I loved performing, and watching other performers from different areas of our country compete. I didnt like my hard torpedo breasts that decided suddenly they needed to feed an army of babies who werent there.
Coming home was an amazing experience. Meeting woggins at the gate with baby tucked into the ergo asleep.
Baby Fin wouldnt look at me for the entire trip home. I sat on the train crying next to a sleepy sweetie and baby who wouldnt make eye contact with me. I felt more alone than I had on the train.
My last couple of days have been about trying to rebuild my milk supply. After coming home my breasts decided that finni must have weaned himself. So I reached out to the breastfeeding community in tears terrified I had ruined my supply forever. Met with kindness and great advice I am now working everyday on rebuilding and cutting out the bottle.
Clad in rhinestones, leopard print and silk flowers I sign off with promises to write again soon with less randomness.
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