Creatively Your Mama....

Today really brightened my recent dark mood.

I've been struggling with not feeling inspired and today was a jumpstart for my dead battery.

I havent felt like I could create, new acts/art/costuming/baby toys. Hell even cooking has been a un-enjoyable process. Until today.

Finni and I went to our first baby storytime at the central library downtown seattle. We sang and bounced and listened to stories. Finni played hard to get with an adorable 10 month old. 30 other babies, their parents all smiling, playing with each other. The amount of joy in that room was intoxicating.

I looked around the children's section afterwards, and got hit in the face with a major blast of inspiration. They have tree branches made of textiles hanging (to high for hands to touch) with flowers and animals also made out of different textiles. I looked at them and realized that I could in fact make them, just as lovely as they were or better.

Going outside the weather was warm the sun shining with a soft cool breeze. There was NO WAY we were going home to sit at the computer and feel impotent. (Nope I meant impotent not important.) So off to cap hill and Blick art store.

I bought a tiny drawing pad and we went and sat in Cal anderson park on the astro turf of the play field. Finni laid on my sweater coat playing with the brown paper bag my art supplies came in. I drew out ideas of branches to make for his play room. People all around us were smiling at finni.

As we walked to the bus stop I pointed out flowers, letting him smell them and talking to him about color, as my head started coming up with designs on how to make them with ribbon or other textiles. Dresses in windows were taken apart in my mind as I realized I knew who to do all the beading and embellishment work.

I am very excited to say that inspiration is running again. This applies to every aspect of my life, be it taking off my glittery clothes, or becoming the parent I've always dreamed of being.

What I am learning is that my biggest joys in life are not exclusive.

Surviving Separation Anxiety

So to be clear I adore my son, love him. I'll be sobbing sad when he no longer wants to cuddle with me. BUT that being said, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Finnegan has entered his Separation anxiety phase and its driving me batty.

I cant put him down anywhere, ever. He cries if daddy holds him, he cries if he is on his boppy and can still see me. I cant cook, visit the restroom, take a bath, CLEAN, costume, work on choreography. Nothing.

I am hoping he is exiting the phase early. Today I put him down three times and each time he has given me 5-10 minutes of arms/torso free time. I have had a cup of tea and texted friends. I plan on cleaning the living room and hopefully getting some art in later.

The last few days have been hard. I want to clean, paint, sew, paint, clean, make jewelry, CLEAN, and I cant with him in my arms. He has been full of energy, but wont play with his toys unless he is in my lap. He is TOO full of energy to be in my lap but keeps trying anyways.

I am hoping this is passing, hoping that I can avoid having him cry it out to get anything done. I've been told to just let him sit where he can see me and cry while I get work done. Told that this will teach him how NOT to manipulate me.........that is unconscious but if I dont he'll be a terror.

I've been afraid to ask other mamas. I want to avoid cry it out, but also need torso and arm time. I'd like to go to the bathroom without my son squirming in my arms or crying from another room. I'd like his papa to be able to hold him without him looking over at me sobbing holding his arms up. I'd like just a few moments free.

Taking a step back from frustration has been a daily chore. Sometimes its all I can do.

You see I love my son, I love cuddling with him. I love waking up next to him as he is talking and giggling every morning. I adore watching him feed himself into a coma in my arms. Or discover new things. He giggles and talks and gives me this look like we are sharing a private joke just between the two of us. He has an expression that seems to say "I'm so happy I could explode". I cherish all of these things. BUT I also need a break.

Burlesque has been my escape. Its my one time to get out of the house and pretty up and NOT deal with a baby for a few hours. I stage manage the pink door, produce my own monthly show AND perform around Seattle as I can. I allow myself one drink while out, I wear as many flowers as I can cram into my hair and I relish how pin-up my body looks while I'm dressed up. Even still I text Paul near constantly looking for updates and I find myself missing anf talking about my son everytime!

How Marvelous You Are.

Today sucked, this week has sucked, and though its a new month this month has sucked.

Last month wasnt any better.

Problems with money, worry and stress. Fights with Paul, sadness, gray days that bled into gray nights that either dragged or ended too quickly.

The one major thing that has helped me hold everything together is my son. His giggle, his smiles, even his whiny moments has brought me out of my darkest moments.

All at once he makes my life harder and so very much easier. He brings me joy, absolute infinite joy that I had never expected.

Finnegan makes people smile wherever we go. People from all walks of life seem completely excited to see him and go out of their way to talk to me about him.

Today I cried, I yelled, I lost my cool, and I fell apart. The only time I smiled was with my son. His giggles and smiles brought the sun out of the clouds and his cries reminded me to be present in the moment.

Its honestly really amazing just how much he has changed me, and change is good.

Goals and plans

I had planned to not worry about art this year. To not push myself to create a product and try to sell anything.

That lasted about three months.

Bored, frustrated, and feeling like I am not contributing enough I've decided to once again venture out into my creativity and try create a viable venue for it.

I am hoping to build stock and sell my art at festivals in Oct and later. Steamcon, mourning market, burlycon. All in oct this year!!

I just received cuff link bases so I can include more accessories for guys in my product, which is very exciting! I have enough for 20 pairs of cuff links, the possibilities are swirling in my mind.

On top of cufflinks I have jewelry to make and hair pieces to construct.

In the mail I have some lovely pendant bases I can put my artwork in. The concept of including my watercolors in with ribbon and metal jewelry has me giddy. I see my concepts as Victorian inspired alternative treasures.

A majority of my ribbon comes from midori ribbon. Working with higher quality ribbon is much more forgiving (not on the pocket book!!) and I find its actually easier to put down when I'm interrupted by Finni's needs. Having more forgiving material to work with while simlutaniously juggling a 6 month old wiggle boy is a bonus. Its a main reason I've held off from painting with acrylics recently.

If your in Seattle midori ribbon has a once a month sale room that makes my mouth water.

Velvet, silk duponi, satin, french wired ribbon...all discounted on the first friday of the month. Its a beautiful day.

Once I get enough Product I'll be posting online as well. Paul has agreed to help me manage this end of it, creating a website as well as maintaining an etsy presence.

To be able to create an income I can generate from my creativity, and not have to leave my son in daycare to do it is very important to me.

In my Son's eyes

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be in stage. Making up acts, kidnapping adults to be my audience, its always been a part of who I am. After the birth of my son I was nervous performing again. Coming to terms with my body image has been very difficult. Patience has never been my strong suit especially with myself. So trying to give myself recovery time has been a joke.

I am blessed to have had supportive people around me who have every step of the way encouraged me to continue performing. Facing these body changes have been as wonderful as they have been painful. Costumes stopped fitting...and I dont mean a few, all of my costumes stopped fitting. My body is no longer as limber, and I have far less time to devote to performing in general.

AND YET

I have never felt so inspired. Even in my darkest moments of body loathing I worked through it. I have felt more devoted to creating costumes, better about getting critic and in general more willing to try new ideas.

Since having my baby opportunities have opened up for me I had never had before. I feel like with the extra challenges I have had more desire to achieve my goals, and have seen the path to them much easier.

All of this is overshadowed by one amazing thing. When I dress up, put up my hair, wear jewelry, coat myself in glitter...in general try to emulate a dragqueen the best I can my almost six month old son gives me this look. He looks up at me and gets this delighted smile and his eyes sparkle, when he gives me this look my insides melt and I feel like I am on top of the world. My son, my tiny son thinks I'm beautiful.

Maybe this sounds strange, but it fills me with such a feeling elation to see this special look he reserves just for me, and just when I dress up.

Dancing burlesque is something I want to do for the rest of my life, its a part of me and in many ways always has been. This process of acceptance has really changed my outlook on myself and my community. I will never hide who I am from my son, and its wonderful to know that (at least right now) I am lovely.

Trips, Hips, and Pastie Slips

The last few months have been hectic, adjusting to having a more active baby and getting myself ready for more performances.

I recently auditioned for an awesome show.....I happen to have auditioning gremlins, everything that can go wrong typically does during an audition, no matter how many times I've done an act before. This leads to a flash of embarrassment, some tears over the phone to my sweetie and then YEARS of great stories. What I did get from my most recent audition was some fab critic which I took to heart, I also realized that spirit gum is not going to work on my nipples....I realized this after 3 nip slips during my act.

The act I used to audition with was the act I had been planning on taking to Jim thorpe Burlesque festival. I used the information provided and spent the next month preparing, and reworking my act and costume until I thought it would be more stage worthy. My son sitting in his exersaucer bouncing along his smile growing broader the more rhinestones I added to my costume.

As the realization that my trip to PA was looming closer and closer I knew I wasnt going to get enough BM pumped for him in time, so I turned to HM4HB on facebook a group that used to be called eats on feets. Through them I was able to get enough milk that my baby would be fed easily while I was away.

The week before I left I broke down crying nearly once a day at the idea of leaving, terror gripping me. I was certain something was going to go wrong. My sweetie would neglect the baby, or accidentally hurt him in some thoughtless way, someone would kidnap him, my plane would go down...trust me if it was a possible concept (or not) it went through my head. Throughout all of this my sweetie was patient and kind.

The airport drop off was hard. I told woggins (my sweetie) to not wait forever at the gate, and when he left I was devastated. I sat to put on my shoes and tried to calm down my raging emotions. A well meaning woman asked if this was my first trip away from my baby, and thats all it took for the flood gates to break as I sat there trying to put on my boots while not obviously crying all over the security area.

My trip to jim thorpe was amazing, its an adorable town, with a lovely opera house. The guest houses provided for the performers were awesome. I loved performing, and watching other performers from different areas of our country compete. I didnt like my hard torpedo breasts that decided suddenly they needed to feed an army of babies who werent there.

Coming home was an amazing experience. Meeting woggins at the gate with baby tucked into the ergo asleep.

Baby Fin wouldnt look at me for the entire trip home. I sat on the train crying next to a sleepy sweetie and baby who wouldnt make eye contact with me. I felt more alone than I had on the train.

My last couple of days have been about trying to rebuild my milk supply. After coming home my breasts decided that finni must have weaned himself. So I reached out to the breastfeeding community in tears terrified I had ruined my supply forever. Met with kindness and great advice I am now working everyday on rebuilding and cutting out the bottle.

Clad in rhinestones, leopard print and silk flowers I sign off with promises to write again soon with less randomness.

Performing again

Last night was my first time performing again after Finnegan's birth. I spent the entire day before hand nervous and frustrated, realizing that non of my old costumes fit me any longer, and hating how different my body was.
I tore through my house looking for my favorite waist cincher corset...which by the way is the ONLY corset that still fits me.

A fellow performer and friend Miss Elaine Yes came over to watch Finnegan so my sweetie could come and watch/support me. She gave us a ride to the show with Finni strapped into a carseat, he started crying as I got out of the car. I have to say walking into the club and away from my crying baby was the second hardest thing i have ever done, short of the birth itself.

Getting ready in a cold hallway, mix up on music, great crowd. Its amazing what has left an impression. As much as I was excited to get back onto the stage and perform my two new pieces I was also dying to get back home to my baby.

Every costume piece down to my pasties was new, save my one corset. I am going to have to start building all new costumes and thus all new acts. Being brought back to square one is both frustrating and exciting. Wiping the slate clean and starting anew may give me the fresh wind I have been looking for.

I got fantastic applause, had fun and was able to leave after my last act to get home to my baby.
This is going to be an interesting adventure, one I am happy to be having. I think every performance will be easier after this!!