Alot of Thought

Until now I hadnt been able to talk about Burlycon 2011.
So much information to be absorbed and processed. I am now at a point where I can digest each item individually.

I took some wonderful classes, learned so much and was inspired. I realized what I needed to teach my ribbon work more effectively. At the Burlesque parenting panel I realized there are aspects to this I hadnt considered, and afterwards I was so homesick I had to come home for the night.

It was an amazing experience, non stop discussion. Classes on so many amazing topics, I didnt take half the classes i wanted to and yet I still feel overloaded with information.

Having a chance to come together with many from the community made me realize just where I was and what I needed to do to progress.

Watching the peer reviews was wonderful, I am trying to take the comments I had for the performers and apply them to my own acts. Learning in the round.

Coming home was wonderful though, I am no longer able to just go and be immersed and forget my outside life. My son was pretty much constantly on my mind. He is such a part of me that leaving him behind feels like leaving a limb behind. Regardless stepping away is important for me to recharge.

BurlyCon 2011

ITS HERE!!! Its the event I await every year as fervently as I used to await my birthday or christmas.

One entire weekend away from boyfriend, baby and house...Yes I will miss my darlings but I am really looking forward to learning, laughing and teaching surrounded by so much talent and experience.

This morning Paul laughed and said that BurlyCon was my hogworts...and I drooled over the idea.

Tassels, yoga pants, rhinestones, and living legends.

The folks who work countless hours to create this event are fabulous.

Last year was the only year I had missed and I have to say I was devastated. Huge, tired of being pregnant and extremely sad I spent most of the weekend crying. Over dramatic? No, not really.

This year as Paul promised I get to go, be in the hotel and steep in the gloriousness that will ensue.

I am teaching a victorian ribbon work class on friday, part of a panel about...Being a burlesque parent on sat. I am thrilled and cannot think of a better way to celebrate!

BurlyCon is a convention by burlesque performers, for burlesque performers.
To check it out:

www.burlycon.org

The most amazing realization

I havent been able to write in awhile, I get inspiration and I open this page...and the doubt comes in. Is this relevant, should I bother writing it. Its a horrible feeling.

My son is turning one in less than a month. Everyday its been hitting me in new ways,from seeing him sitting up and playing by himself...looking more and more like a little boy instead of a baby.

How did this happen for the first four months it was a slow gradual change...or at least I had convinced myself it was, looking back I realize it was like riding a light rail, too fast and smooth to realize.

I've had to put alot of things on the back burner. Which is normal with a 1st baby, or even a new baby. The time I do spend away I want to count for something. I am focusing more on becoming a better performer, pushing myself in costumes, performing, producing.

When I slow down and just look at my son, I've been getting hit with how much I love him. I feel like I need to write a post just about the things I never understood until becoming a parent.

I look at my son and I know he is my number 1. I love him in ways I never expected...even when my entire day is derailed or the dress I WAS going to wear out to see a show gets spit up on.

*As a side note my son now ONLY spits up when I am dressed and ready to go and watch someone elses show.

Its an overwhelming realization. This love that hits you like wind rushing off a canyon floor...it is romantic, like Victorian valentines day cards, or your first true returned love. Yet its steeped with the responsibility of being a parent. Its the strangest feeling to be soo grounded while so at times giddy.

My mom tried to talk to me about this when I was a kid, I remember never understanding. I never felt so mortal until I had Finni. I never wanted to achieve as much as I do now. In my life everything I do I do for my son. It isnt so one day he can feel pride for having me as a mom. I can't really explain it, but just having him in my life makes me want to reach higher, perform better, and be able to be truly proud of my accomplishments.

Am I Two Different People?

I dance burlesque, I model fine art nudes (as well as corsetry nudes) I make art, and I am a mommy.

From some of the other mommies I know seem surprised I still dance, that I have no plans on making a career for myself that doesnt involve rhinestones and semi nudity. From some of the Burlesque dancers I know they seem surprised that I would want to have a child as if I couldn't have both a baby and a collection of feather boas (this has been less common with other dancers than with other mommies).

I am not two different people, I can be a mother and shimmy onstage without issue. I can stand there in full make-up and coated in glitter and rhinestones while talking about my child and I dont feel strange about it.

After the birth of my son I feel more inspired to enrich my performance skills. More inspired to learn and grow as a performer, and trust me I have a lot of learning and growing to do. But then I want feather boas, stage make-up, and performing to be normal for him. I dont want him to grow up thinking costumes or make-up are strange.

DO I segment parts away from my child? Well yeah, the more sexual overtones are avoided, though he has been present at a couple of performances (that werent in bars) and I see nothing wrong with that, a look over the shoulder and a gown that shimmers as it hits the floor arent going to scar him for life. Anything more sexual than that will be kept for adults as it should be, children should be allowed to be children without the pressure to understand things they arent ready for. This doesnt mean that my life is put on hold until then though. Just as we multitask in daily life I do so with who I am. I am a mother, I do dance, I can do both.

We are All Habiba

"We are all Habiba" Graphic Courtesy of Louma Sader Bujana

Today as I was scanning my facebook page I saw a link to a blog :http://teslagirl360.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-if-you-were-this-mother.html?showComment=1307596606742#c7321482027146974105

that I like to normally follow, this time it was titled "If you were this mother".

What I read both shocked me and broke my heart. Below is the press release.

Four days ago, the Madrid Institute for Minors and Families (IMMF), decided to separate a little girl from her mother for not complying with the objectives of a psychotherapy program and "maternal abilities" that imply to abandon extended breastfeeding and breastfeeding on demand because it is considered "chaotic" and "harmful for every boy and girl". With these considerations all lacking scientific or legal facts, they force mothers to take medication to cease milk production.

According to the Spanish Association of Pediatricians, breastfeeding should be on demand and it can be extended as long as both child an mother wish. No legal action has been taken to separate mother and child, and the mother has not been allowed to say goodbye nor has she been told where her daughter will be taken causing a grave defenselessness on both. Habiba is engorged and on the brink of mastitis and with a broken heart with pain, with barely any sleep or bite to eat. This woman has been evaluated by a psychiatrist and she does not show any signs of mental illness, drug consumption or anything that would justify making her victim of such aggression.

They threw Habiba on the streets the same moment they took her daughter telling her she had no more
room there because the resources they offer are for mothers and children and she did not have a child anymore. A humanitarian foundation has decided to help this mother donating legal support as well as shelter . We are deeply concerned by Habiba's pain and it pains us to imagine the circumstances this 15 month old child might be in, separated from her mother in an abrupt fashion most likely with no one explaining anything to her.

.We consider Habiba and her child's case as a serious violation of human rights as well as children's rights. The damage is already done but if mother and child are reunited immediately it can be repaired because of this we urge you to write to write and protest to IMMF management, asking for the immediate return of the child to her mother

As I sit at the computer I am nursing my son who is almost eight months old. He snuggles on my lap and nurses..he is a snacker, he falls asleep each night eating, he looks to me for comfort and love as well as nourishment.

I found and joined the facebook page "Worldwide Mothers Support Habiba!"

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Worldwide-Mothers-support-Habiba-IMMF-Give-her-baby-back/125104760904059

I signed the petition

http://actuable.es/peticiones/dile-al-instituto-madrileno-del-menor-y-familia-reuna-a

To sign the petition, find the form at the top right of the page (in the blue frame) and fill:
Tu nombre: name
Tu apellido: last name
Tu correo-e: email
Cód. Postal: zip code

I've shared this everywhere I could.

What if this was you? Your baby? Habiba and I are different in many ways, but we are both mothers. Raise the bar, tell your friends, share on facebook, talk about this, write letters, sign the petition. We have to let the world know that parents everywhere want the IMMF to return her daughter NOW.

Creatively Your Mama....

Today really brightened my recent dark mood.

I've been struggling with not feeling inspired and today was a jumpstart for my dead battery.

I havent felt like I could create, new acts/art/costuming/baby toys. Hell even cooking has been a un-enjoyable process. Until today.

Finni and I went to our first baby storytime at the central library downtown seattle. We sang and bounced and listened to stories. Finni played hard to get with an adorable 10 month old. 30 other babies, their parents all smiling, playing with each other. The amount of joy in that room was intoxicating.

I looked around the children's section afterwards, and got hit in the face with a major blast of inspiration. They have tree branches made of textiles hanging (to high for hands to touch) with flowers and animals also made out of different textiles. I looked at them and realized that I could in fact make them, just as lovely as they were or better.

Going outside the weather was warm the sun shining with a soft cool breeze. There was NO WAY we were going home to sit at the computer and feel impotent. (Nope I meant impotent not important.) So off to cap hill and Blick art store.

I bought a tiny drawing pad and we went and sat in Cal anderson park on the astro turf of the play field. Finni laid on my sweater coat playing with the brown paper bag my art supplies came in. I drew out ideas of branches to make for his play room. People all around us were smiling at finni.

As we walked to the bus stop I pointed out flowers, letting him smell them and talking to him about color, as my head started coming up with designs on how to make them with ribbon or other textiles. Dresses in windows were taken apart in my mind as I realized I knew who to do all the beading and embellishment work.

I am very excited to say that inspiration is running again. This applies to every aspect of my life, be it taking off my glittery clothes, or becoming the parent I've always dreamed of being.

What I am learning is that my biggest joys in life are not exclusive.

Surviving Separation Anxiety

So to be clear I adore my son, love him. I'll be sobbing sad when he no longer wants to cuddle with me. BUT that being said, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Finnegan has entered his Separation anxiety phase and its driving me batty.

I cant put him down anywhere, ever. He cries if daddy holds him, he cries if he is on his boppy and can still see me. I cant cook, visit the restroom, take a bath, CLEAN, costume, work on choreography. Nothing.

I am hoping he is exiting the phase early. Today I put him down three times and each time he has given me 5-10 minutes of arms/torso free time. I have had a cup of tea and texted friends. I plan on cleaning the living room and hopefully getting some art in later.

The last few days have been hard. I want to clean, paint, sew, paint, clean, make jewelry, CLEAN, and I cant with him in my arms. He has been full of energy, but wont play with his toys unless he is in my lap. He is TOO full of energy to be in my lap but keeps trying anyways.

I am hoping this is passing, hoping that I can avoid having him cry it out to get anything done. I've been told to just let him sit where he can see me and cry while I get work done. Told that this will teach him how NOT to manipulate me.........that is unconscious but if I dont he'll be a terror.

I've been afraid to ask other mamas. I want to avoid cry it out, but also need torso and arm time. I'd like to go to the bathroom without my son squirming in my arms or crying from another room. I'd like his papa to be able to hold him without him looking over at me sobbing holding his arms up. I'd like just a few moments free.

Taking a step back from frustration has been a daily chore. Sometimes its all I can do.

You see I love my son, I love cuddling with him. I love waking up next to him as he is talking and giggling every morning. I adore watching him feed himself into a coma in my arms. Or discover new things. He giggles and talks and gives me this look like we are sharing a private joke just between the two of us. He has an expression that seems to say "I'm so happy I could explode". I cherish all of these things. BUT I also need a break.

Burlesque has been my escape. Its my one time to get out of the house and pretty up and NOT deal with a baby for a few hours. I stage manage the pink door, produce my own monthly show AND perform around Seattle as I can. I allow myself one drink while out, I wear as many flowers as I can cram into my hair and I relish how pin-up my body looks while I'm dressed up. Even still I text Paul near constantly looking for updates and I find myself missing anf talking about my son everytime!