Creatively Your Mama....

Today really brightened my recent dark mood.

I've been struggling with not feeling inspired and today was a jumpstart for my dead battery.

I havent felt like I could create, new acts/art/costuming/baby toys. Hell even cooking has been a un-enjoyable process. Until today.

Finni and I went to our first baby storytime at the central library downtown seattle. We sang and bounced and listened to stories. Finni played hard to get with an adorable 10 month old. 30 other babies, their parents all smiling, playing with each other. The amount of joy in that room was intoxicating.

I looked around the children's section afterwards, and got hit in the face with a major blast of inspiration. They have tree branches made of textiles hanging (to high for hands to touch) with flowers and animals also made out of different textiles. I looked at them and realized that I could in fact make them, just as lovely as they were or better.

Going outside the weather was warm the sun shining with a soft cool breeze. There was NO WAY we were going home to sit at the computer and feel impotent. (Nope I meant impotent not important.) So off to cap hill and Blick art store.

I bought a tiny drawing pad and we went and sat in Cal anderson park on the astro turf of the play field. Finni laid on my sweater coat playing with the brown paper bag my art supplies came in. I drew out ideas of branches to make for his play room. People all around us were smiling at finni.

As we walked to the bus stop I pointed out flowers, letting him smell them and talking to him about color, as my head started coming up with designs on how to make them with ribbon or other textiles. Dresses in windows were taken apart in my mind as I realized I knew who to do all the beading and embellishment work.

I am very excited to say that inspiration is running again. This applies to every aspect of my life, be it taking off my glittery clothes, or becoming the parent I've always dreamed of being.

What I am learning is that my biggest joys in life are not exclusive.

Surviving Separation Anxiety

So to be clear I adore my son, love him. I'll be sobbing sad when he no longer wants to cuddle with me. BUT that being said, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Finnegan has entered his Separation anxiety phase and its driving me batty.

I cant put him down anywhere, ever. He cries if daddy holds him, he cries if he is on his boppy and can still see me. I cant cook, visit the restroom, take a bath, CLEAN, costume, work on choreography. Nothing.

I am hoping he is exiting the phase early. Today I put him down three times and each time he has given me 5-10 minutes of arms/torso free time. I have had a cup of tea and texted friends. I plan on cleaning the living room and hopefully getting some art in later.

The last few days have been hard. I want to clean, paint, sew, paint, clean, make jewelry, CLEAN, and I cant with him in my arms. He has been full of energy, but wont play with his toys unless he is in my lap. He is TOO full of energy to be in my lap but keeps trying anyways.

I am hoping this is passing, hoping that I can avoid having him cry it out to get anything done. I've been told to just let him sit where he can see me and cry while I get work done. Told that this will teach him how NOT to manipulate me.........that is unconscious but if I dont he'll be a terror.

I've been afraid to ask other mamas. I want to avoid cry it out, but also need torso and arm time. I'd like to go to the bathroom without my son squirming in my arms or crying from another room. I'd like his papa to be able to hold him without him looking over at me sobbing holding his arms up. I'd like just a few moments free.

Taking a step back from frustration has been a daily chore. Sometimes its all I can do.

You see I love my son, I love cuddling with him. I love waking up next to him as he is talking and giggling every morning. I adore watching him feed himself into a coma in my arms. Or discover new things. He giggles and talks and gives me this look like we are sharing a private joke just between the two of us. He has an expression that seems to say "I'm so happy I could explode". I cherish all of these things. BUT I also need a break.

Burlesque has been my escape. Its my one time to get out of the house and pretty up and NOT deal with a baby for a few hours. I stage manage the pink door, produce my own monthly show AND perform around Seattle as I can. I allow myself one drink while out, I wear as many flowers as I can cram into my hair and I relish how pin-up my body looks while I'm dressed up. Even still I text Paul near constantly looking for updates and I find myself missing anf talking about my son everytime!

How Marvelous You Are.

Today sucked, this week has sucked, and though its a new month this month has sucked.

Last month wasnt any better.

Problems with money, worry and stress. Fights with Paul, sadness, gray days that bled into gray nights that either dragged or ended too quickly.

The one major thing that has helped me hold everything together is my son. His giggle, his smiles, even his whiny moments has brought me out of my darkest moments.

All at once he makes my life harder and so very much easier. He brings me joy, absolute infinite joy that I had never expected.

Finnegan makes people smile wherever we go. People from all walks of life seem completely excited to see him and go out of their way to talk to me about him.

Today I cried, I yelled, I lost my cool, and I fell apart. The only time I smiled was with my son. His giggles and smiles brought the sun out of the clouds and his cries reminded me to be present in the moment.

Its honestly really amazing just how much he has changed me, and change is good.